Anger

Aggression

When a person demonstrates they’re angry by raising their voice, lashing out with words or actions, or by hurting others, they and people around them will assume they are angry.

Passive aggression

When a person uses inaction or withholding when they are angry, people around them might interpret this avoidant behaviour as ‘passive’ aggression. Passive aggression is still an expression of anger.

What are the signs of anger issues?

A person might worry about their anger if they or people around them notice that they’re displaying any of the following behaviours:

• Tantrums, meltdowns, or overwhelming feelings
• Raised voice or name-calling
• Tearfulness or ‘angry tears’
• Road rage, or anger while commuting or shopping
• Defensiveness and hostility
• Irritability over small things
• Sulks or silent treatment
• Procrastination and habitual lateness

Do I have anger issues, or am I just angry?

Anger is a normal emotion, but it is not always appropriate (or advisable) to just let it out. Feeling irritable, cynical or angry from time to time is normal. But it is not normal for anger to feel overwhelming or out of control, to dread or look forward to losing your temper, or for friends and family to feel unsafe around you.

If a person has been advised that they might lose their job, children, partner, home, driving licence or other privileges or relationships due to their outbursts, they may choose to get help.

Is my anger normal?

Anger can feel uncontrollable when it doesn’t ‘fit’ a setting – for example, feeling very angry at home or school, at a work event, or in public.

All anger is ‘normal’ but not all expressions of anger are acceptable. When anger and outbursts put relationships, work, safety or sense of belonging at risk, it might be a sign that feelings underneath the anger need space and attention. Therapy is a good way to begin dealing with those feelings.

People with chronic health conditions or PTSD and people who’ve been bereaved might be more likely to experience uncontrollable anger. While it’s understandable that circumstances might make it harder to manage emotions, people are obliged to deal with their anger whatever they are going through.

Why am I so angry?

Anger is a natural emotion and causes vary wildly, even in the course of a day. But for most people most of the time, anger is a manageable emotion.

Overwhelming anger might be a sign of chronic stress, or common mental health problems like depression and anxiety.

Why is my partner angry?

If your partner is persistently angry or passive aggressive, particularly for petty reasons or no reason at all, it makes relationships stressful and difficult. In a few cases it might make a person feel unsafe if their partner has a short fuse. Therapy is a good place to make decisions about how to cope with the way your partner expresses anger, why you might be choosing to stay with an angry partner, and whether the relationship can survive the anger in it.

Why is my child angry?

It takes a while for children to learn to regulate their emotions, and even adults struggle to keep a lid on it sometimes. But when a young child is angrier than peers or siblings, it can make parents worry that something is wrong with them, or at school, in the family or in the community. When a teenager is angry, it can be hard to know what is ‘normal’. But feeling unsafe, or worrying that your child will hurt you, themselves or others, might lead you to seek help.

What does anger feel like?

Anger is often characterised with physical sensations such as:

• Dizziness or faintness
• A tight, uncomfortable or painful feeling in or around the chest
• Feeling hotter, hot flashes or sweating
• Racing heart
• Shaking or trembling, or a restless feeling
• Shortness of breath
• Tingly, itchy or uncomfortable skin

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Anger might also make a person feel or think of:

• Loss of control
• Fear for or about themselves
• Urge to throw, break or attack things or people
• Rising excitement or anxiety

How long do anger problems last?

Anger problems can resolve of their own accord, but they can also continue or escalate. Leaving anger without treating it means living with the risks, or feeling, it could worsen. If a person is worried about the potential damage their anger could cause, then seeking help can protect them, and those around them.

How do I cope with my anger?

Therapy for anger issues

Therapists deal with anger with almost every, if not every, client they work with. Therapy is a safe place to unpack anger and passive aggression, or look at reasons why it feels impossible to voice anger or express your anger directly. Therapists can give clients a chance to explore the emotions that anger overshadows, many of which will have stayed hidden out of shame or guilt. Therapy can also help clients to better understand and contextualise the circumstances that cause persistent anger for them, such as stress, abuse or ill health.

CBT for anger issues

CBT is a common approach to anger management, and some therapists will specialise either in CBT or in CBT for anger management.

Developing new anger management habits

Therapists might be able to advise clients on exercises or techniques to help them slow down when they feel they are about to lose their temper.